General Murphy's laws

If anything can go wrong, it will.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Everything goes wrong all at once.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Don't get mad, get even.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
You know it's going to be a bad day when... Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy ... that person will find an easier way to do it.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it, or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Schmidt's Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
The Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away. (Shevelson's Extension: ... having done its damage.) [Grelb's Addition: ... if it was bad, it will be back.]
The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1) An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2) An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)
Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt: The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
The Law of Frisbee: The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck").
Amand's Law of Management: Everyone is always someplace else.