THE SECRET OF LIKED PEOPLE

Translated from original HS article Pidettyjä ihmisiä yhdistää erityisesti kaksi piirrettä – Opettaja Maria Ikolasta tykätään niin paljon, että oppilaat järjestävät hänelle yllätysjuhlia - Hyvinvointi | HS.fi

VIDEO shows a room and three smiling girls. The door opens, and they begin the song Happy Birthday to you.

On the table is a small cake full of burning candles. Next to it is a bouquet of flowers, a golden M-shaped foil ball and a tiara.

After singing, laughing and clapping, one of the girls puts the tiara on the hero of the day's head. The only thing that comes out of the mouth of the recipient of the congratulations is a confused "oh my god!"

In the second video, the same hero of the day stands holding a visual art class. The lesson is interrupted when congratulatory students walk into the class to bring flowers and chocolate bars.

Both videos are from last April, when the students of Veromaki school in Vantaa decided to congratulate the art teacher Maria Ikola, who celebrated her 41st birthday.

It is not very typical for teenagers to buy flowers or a cake for their teacher's birthday.

However, there are such encouraging people that such strangeness is possible - even probable.

We wanted to find out what unites these people considered exceptional and what we could learn from them.

Ikola has received several unofficial recognitions for her comfort throughout her life.

In elementary school, she was chosen as the smiley girl, and in her youth summer job at the kiosk, she was named "cheeky girl".

"During my teaching career, I have received attention every spring. "

For example, in 2021 she received a Hymy (Smile) present from other teachers at her school in Vantaa.

Part of the reasoning was: "You are cheerful and kind to the students and to us teachers. You listen to everyone and help as needed."

Waiting for lunch, Ikola's face shines not only with sunshine, but also with subtle excitement.

"I don't want to be in the spotlight, so I was quite embarrassed by this at first, and I still am a little bit. But I guess there's no harm in this," says Ikola.

She understands what his sister meant by her words.

Growing up in Tampere, it was easy for Ikola to get along with everyone even as a child. When the family moved, he slipped into a new school and a new class like nothing.

She believes that a certain unrooted wackiness drove him forward.

"In the fourth grade, I wanted to be a troll. So I made a long tail with a big tassel and attached it to my pants with a safety pin. After a week, tails appeared on the other girls too, and we played together."

And Ikola didn't just joke around as a child. He did invent games for the other children in his neighborhood, but she taught his younger cousins who lived on the other side in Vaasa to read.

IKOLA believes that he has been shaped by a good childhood and time spent together with his family. In addition, she had the opportunity to realize himself in a safe environment.

"I was left with no emotional blocks or bitterness about anything. We children were trusted, and we were allowed to do things quite freely. As an artistic person, my mother noticed my artistic tendencies and supported me."

Ikola describes her father as a traditional Finnish man who didn't really talk about his feelings. Yet they appeared.

"After the bath, she would straighten my hair and always ask the same question with a smile: 'Has anyone ever said you're cute?' And I said yes, yes."

At the age of nine, Ikola began to understand that not all families smiled the same way. The recession of the 1990s affected many.

Once on a picnic, Ikola paid attention to her friend's dry herring sandwiches. For herself, she had French bread with generous fillings.

"I told him I prefer herring, and so we switched snacks."

And when Ikola got a smile statue in the sixth grade, she told her envious classmate a white lie that she had received only one less vote than her.

Being LIKED is not the same as being popular, says Mirka Hintsanen, professor of psychology at the University of Oulu.

Popular people are often domineering and have high social status but possibly few close friends. Instead, people like to be near LIKED people.

Regarding personality traits, they are usually associated with agreeableness and extroversion, says Hintsanen.

"People considered to have other important qualities are prosociality, i.e. working for the good of others, as well as a lack of aggressiveness. Of course, social skills and good manners help."

According to Hintsanen, personality traits are the most permanent parts of personality. However, that does not mean that they cannot change to some extent or that they cannot be influenced.

"For example, therapy can potentially influence personality traits. There is also evidence that, for example, increasing exercise can increase extroversion."

Sointu Leikas, a personality researcher familiar with KINDNESS, says that the agreeableness associated with liked people has been studied a lot in personality psychology.

"It is close to kindness, empathy and thoughtfulness, and it in itself has no connection to anything negative," says Leikas.

According to her, agreeableness is 30-40% heritable, and it correlates with happiness, life satisfaction and success in working life.

Its importance can be seen, for example, in interaction situations.

"A peaceful person tries to speak more kindly and usually also finds more constructive ways to say different things."

Leika is inspired by Ikola's memory of herring bread and changing snacks.

It is rare that a child is capable of such advanced thinking and understanding of another perspective.

"Loving treatment and upbringing of a child, empathetic example and kindness have an effect," says Leikas.

"Many people are empathic at the level of feeling, but that doesn't necessarily lead to action."

Considering others still does not mean that a liked person would let others walk over them. Mirka Hintsanen points out that liked people are often also rude.

"Outward orientation includes toughness, i.e. self-assurance and drawing boundaries when they are needed."

"My starting point is that everyone has something good."

IKOLA graduated as a photographer in 2006 and as a visual arts teacher in 2013.

At first, she worked as a classroom teacher and a special education teacher until she got a position as a middle school art teacher.

Ikola quickly noticed that she gets along well with children and teenagers, even though teenagers can sometimes have bad days.

"My starting point is that everyone has something good. A person doesn't normally hurt another person just because of their malice or malice, but there is some pain of their own in the background. Or his intention was good, but the act went poorly," Ikola reflects.

"If I see something like that, I directly ask how I can be of help. I am interested if the other person wants to talk about something that is pressing on their mind. Calm speech helps both children and adults."

Now Ikola has learned to take better care of her resources.

POSITIVITY is still not always easy for Ikola either. For a moment it was even impossible.

Five years ago, she got a divorce. In her sadness and lack of appetite, she was helped by her little sister who was on maternity leave, who offered valuable conversational help and a nutritious smoothie every day.

At the same time, Ikola worked as a special class teacher. It was too heavy. Exhaustion required a total stop, sick leave and mood medication.

Despite her extroversion, she says that he also needs time to be alone, and then he likes to curl up on the sofa watching TV series, for example Survivors.

Exercise plays an important role in Ikola's life, and hobbies include padel and hiking. She likes to practice alone or at most with a couple of friends.

"I have a few good friends and I don't miss a big group of friends. I wouldn't have enough time for that."

"He had been thinking about us there."

IN ADDITION to the fact that the students have organized surprise birthday parties for Ikola, they have also remembered her in other ways.

Last spring, the ninth graders voted him both the most inspiring person of the year and the most adorable person of the year.

Saying the latter title to Ikola is both funny and almost embarrassing at the same time. It brings something even fresher to his mind.

Ikola raises her right hand and shows her bracelet, a braided band with a small metal tree of life attached. She got it in the morning from an eighth-grade girl who had bought it on her summer vacation in Mallorca.

ALTHOUGH likability is partly linked to inherited personality traits, according to Hintsanen, anyone can practice considerate behavior and social skills.

A good way to start is to stop and think about things from another's perspective.

"Greet people and notice, for example, colleagues. Show genuine interest and stop to listen without thinking about what you are saying. It is of great importance.”

And then an important reminder:

"Showing feelings and opening up creates closeness and helps identification, and it can also increase liking. However, this does not mean an uncontrollable unleashing of emotions."

Even a well-liked and kind person can be prone to dark thoughts when tired.

IKOLA, on the other hand, advises to accept people as they are. Anything else will only result in suffering for yourself.

"Many negative emotions, such as anger, bitterness and envy, stem from not accepting reality as it is."

And because even a well-liked and kind person can be prone to dark thoughts when tired, you have to learn to talk about them. According to Ikola, constructive arguments and talking about feelings are vital in all human relationships.

Humor and banter play an important role in Ikola's life. Even though the goblin tails are a thing of the past, he doesn't mind being weird, clumsy and imperfect at times.

And being liked doesn't guide life, it's a byproduct. The most important thing for Ikola is that young people learn and get ahead.

"The best thing was to read the card written by the child himself, saying thank you for seeing my situation."