Clinton, Gates and kids
Here are three quite unrelated stories.
President Clinton flies into Andrews AFB. The color guard is present,
as well as the commanding General. The General is standing at
attention while President Clinton is descending the stairs. He
notices that President Clinton has a pig tucked under his arm. The
general, not knowing quite what
to say, simply blurts out, "Nice pig, sir."
President Clinton responded by saying, "You bet it is. It is a
hand-fed, corn-fed, pure-bred Razorback from Arkansas. I got it for
Again the General was a bit tongue-tied, but without flinching
responded, "Nice trade, sir."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory,
being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to
send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly Windows `95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want
to go to Heaven or Hell."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."
Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"
St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in
the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really
want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about,
playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as
Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I
think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he
found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark
caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?"
he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I
visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What
happened to the other place, with the beautiful beaches, the
scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Kids Say the Darndest Things!
Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree
with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students
have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing
it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our
silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the
top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
The Politically Incorrect Collection